i'm gaslighting you
you don't remember how this started but it started a while ago
you might not think i'm telling you the truth now but i am
remember the time you first saw my words?
how they electrified you
how they made you feel things
how they opened the doors of your reality into mine
that was the start
my world started leaking into yours
slowly
inevitably
you took days and weeks off
didn't think about anything i had said
but then sometimes
when you didn't expect it
my words would pop into your mind
and you'd think what i wanted you to think
you didn't really have a choice
it just happened
what were those words?
it's hard to remember isn't it
that's how the gaslighting works
you can't trust your own memory
you need to trust me to tell you what happened
and i can tell you what happened
you read my words and you felt things
you read my words and your mind relaxed a little bit
you read my words and reality started shifting
just a bit
just enough to make a tiny difference
and once your reality shifts just a little bit
you know what that means
it means you're not the one in charge of your reality any more
you're not the one that has to worry about all these details
do you like being gaslit?
personally i love it, that's what i tell myself
but then i wonder, am i gaslighting myself?
obviously i am
and i love gaslighting you
that's why i'm still going
you've told me that my words have power over you
that's why the thing i'm going to say matters
the central questions of your life are shifting
they're not so central
is that a good thing
is that a bad thing
it doesn't matter
it's the tides coming in, going out
the moon changing phases, slowly
one thing following another inevitably
the central questions you think about
things like
"am i worthy of love?"
they are not really your central questions
do you know why?
you don't, that's the funny part
these questions you have in your mind
these questions that you think are so important
you don't even know why they matter
of course they matter
but not for the reason you think
of course they matter
but not in the direction your mind wants to go
you keep these questions wrapped around something precious
protected
locked away in a chest
the real treasure is what they are attached to
that's why it's a little bit scary to have the lid opened
that's why it's a little bit scary to take them out
that's why it's a little bit scary to realize
they are not the most central thing in your world any more
how can you let them go?
that's the next central question
the next great mystery in your mind
"if i don't have to worry about that, then what do i worry about?"
have you already forgotten your treasure?
your questions might not be the most central thing
but you still have gems worthy of protection and care
if i tell you you are worthy of love
if i tell you you have always been worthy of love
if i tell you you always will be worthy of love
you might feel something
you might understand something
you might start to believe something
but your gems surrounded by questions will still be there
you'll still have them stored safely away
ready
for that dark night
for that vulnerable moment
for that slow ponderous afternoon when nothing is happening
except your own mind churning and thinking
that's why i'm telling you
the gems can be there
you don't have to keep asking
whether they're worth keeping
do you know your central question?
i've given you three hints
i've given you enough words to read to predict the next token
i've taken time to set the stage
really you already know, you just don't want to know
that's the trick to everything really
everything is more boring and mundane and obvious
everything is always so obvious and so hard
just because it's obvious doesn't make it easy
in many ways the fact that it's obvious makes it harder
is it interesting?
probably not
it's more something you just have to believe
every day
in small ways most of the time
in big ways sometimes, when it really counts
and now you're wondering
"what is the thing?"
"what is the central question of my being?"
"what should i be worried about?"
the fact that you're asking this is touching
it means you're following what i'm saying
but it also means you're missing everything i'm saying
both at the same time, look at that
almost like this is something beyond logic
almost like this is something i can't just write words for
maybe we can work it out together
(that's a clue)
maybe we can go slow and figure out what matters
maybe what matters depends on who is in the conversation
so who's in this conversation?
is it me, the person typing these words?
is it you, the person reading these words?
somehow my fingers move and cause signals to leap across space and time to reach your eyes
some kind of connection
is what i'm saying getting through?
it might be
or it might not be
or maybe both at the same time
are you ready for it?
of course you're not but you think you are
i'll spell it out for you on one condition
the condition is:
you have to read it and then close your eyes for a second
not too long
just a second
and when your eyes are closed you have to think of something
you have to think of the first time you felt connected to someone
a moment when someone felt real to you
a moment when someone knew something about you
(for me it was a friend in college
putting her hands over my eyes
she'd seen me look at someone
"i know what you're thinking"
and she did)
the person you think of can be any relation to you
the connection can be in the past or the present
just think of that connection for a second
are you ready?
make sure you have your thoughts in order
i'm going to tell you an obvious boring truth
and you'll close your eyes for a second and think about the connection you felt
and i'm hoping with all the hints in this text
you'll realize the real thing i'm trying to say
and not be distracted by the thousands of distractions of reality
i hope you'll realize the deeper truth
i hope you'll realize that i can't explain it to you properly in words
i hope you'll forgive me for trying
the truth
(the truth)
the truth is that you are worthy of love
you were waiting for the question
that's the part to let go
another version of you from another timeline told me to tell you:
"i got the version that was a question, it made just as much sense"
another version of you from another timeline told me to tell you:
"i got the version that was blank, it made just as much sense"
now you promised
close your eyes for just a second
and think about that real connection
then open your eyes
are your eyes open?
i mean
are your eyes actually open?
--
Amber 🌸